Sunday, August 8, 2010

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say, Say Nothing At All!

You know I really don't get some people. I don't get why or how people think it's OK to say their every though out loud or how they have the audacity to make negative comments for other people to hear. People that barely know you, have nothing to gain or lose from talking about you, still find it OK to put others down. Is it like our mother's always said because they are jealous, because they want to make themselves feel better? I don't know! Now, I know I am no saint and I am not going to lie and say that I am not guilty of a little gossip here and there, but I can say that I would never purposefully hurt someone's feelings.

Lately I have really become comfortable with me. I am so proud of my accomplishments, especially with the running. I have been liking both the outside and the inside me. I am strong, healthy and happy! OK so I am not a size 2, nor will I ever be. I wear bathing suits that cover my stomach and I have accepted the fact that I will never wear a bikini, it's just not in my fate. But do I think I am an attractive person? Most days yes. There are always things you'd like to change and funnily enough I have always hated my teeth and recently go braces to correct this. I care about my appearance and I LOVE fashion. It's funny because I know I look so different when running, my hair all tied back, sweaty most of the time and that damn spandex is not too flattering on anyone.

This weekend I got a blow to my ego and I am so upset that it got to me this much. Someone had said behind my back but loud enough for others to over hear that they "didn't understand that if I was doing all of this running, why was I still SO BIG". SO BIG? Since when did a size 12 become "SO BIG". I haven't really thought of myself as "SO BIG" in a long time. I have always and will always struggle with issues around weight. My mum always has and so will I. I am a strong person and I can take a whole lot, but call me BIG, or FAT or something like that and I lose it. Now as much as my feminist friends won't like this I would honestly rather someone call me "a C_N_" that a "fat cow". The dreaded "C-word", really can't insult you, I mean what does it really mean? But "fat" or "BIG" that stings. Now I am not condoning the use of the "C-word", in fact I hate it but I just want to get my point across how much this hurts. When I heard about this I become an emotional mess. Now fine, if it was an isolated comment but why did this person have to connect it to running? Running is for me and it is the hardest and best thing I have ever done. It is something I am proud of!

Yesterday I felt defeated, and if I am honest, I still do. I couldn't stop crying about it and hate myself for letting it get to me. I wanted to quit running all together. Although I have talked to people about it and they keep reassuring me, I can't stop thinking about it. It plays like a broken record, over and over in my head. Bringing tears to my eyes every so often. I have visions of people laughing at me because I am the circus creature that could run an almost marathon. Why? Why I am I so hung up on this person and their thoughtless, shameful comment? Why does it matter? We have all heard the saying: "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all!" Since when did we forget about it?

New Distances

Over the last several weeks I have climbed to covering kilometers I never thought possible. First it was 23, then 26 and now 30 what an incredible accomplishment! Deep down inside I am so proud of myself and can barely believe that I am able to do it. Does it hurt? Yeah, sometimes. Does it take a lot of time? Oh yeah! Is it worth it? For sure!

Running is all I seem to think about, it consumes most of my brain and I cannot wait for the day that I become one of those few people who can say they have ran a marathon. I can't really imagine my life without running, what would I do with my time?

With the new distances covered, comes new fears. Right now I am worried about the next 12km and what about the damn wall... what will I do if I hit it? Although I love how far we have come, I still question my ability. The training is getting more intense and I really need to keep up the positive thoughts and believe in me!